This experience of being teenager is a very strange one. For the past four years, I have been thrown into an emotionally and physically draining whirlwind. The very core of my being, my beliefs and choices have been questioned and tried, by both myself and others. The question remains: who am I? The endless quest of finding myself is somehow tied to this rite of passage- being a teenager. I know that.
Am I the only one who when they look up at the stars feels this deep and terrible longing? Some nights when sleep is the furthest thing from my mind, I sit and stare out my window at the endless expanse of sky above us and wonder if I am the only one who is feeling like this. There is something so awe-inspiring about those night sky stars, something I can’t comprehend. It is both beautiful and terrible to be alone with my thoughts on these nights. It is times like these when I feel myself soul searching, looking for a deeper meaning. I know for certain these things about myself:
I am bold and unashamedly so. I will never apologise for being a little rough around the edges or speaking my mind.
I will never be like them. Some time ago, when the universe set into works for my birth, it decided that I would have a brain and soul that would never settle for normalcy. I am a freak, a weirdo, unusual and different, and only now in the past year have I begun to embrace this. Even from the start, when I was younger, I never would be like them. And now I am glad. I would never choose anything other than to be me.
I am destined for great things. I feel it in me, the whole wide world is calling to me. I can do anything and be anyone. I know for certain that the life ahead of me will not be dull, and the thought of the future fills me with a deep thrill. In the words of a beautiful man by the name of David Bowie: “I do not know where I am going from here, but I promise it will not be boring.”
The realisation of what I wanted to do with the rest of my life came to me on the 16th of July 2016. We had just had a motivational speaker at school come in and talk to us about following our dreams. He was so amazing, and after the session it hit me. I realised that all I wanted to do for the rest of my life was make art, and make art passionately. The idea of perusing a career in the arts had previously seemed like an impossible dream, with the title “starving artist” floating around my head. What my parents and peers would think if I said: “For the rest of my life I am going to paint and draw and photograph as my job and damn if I have no money or not, as long as I am happy.” But in the end, what is the point of doing anything with my life, this incredibly short time I have on earth, if I am not enjoying myself? I was never born for the 9-5, the office job, the promotions. I exist to explore how far I can push myself and my talents, and to have fun every second of the way. I know that it is going to be tough, and I know I will struggle. But I want it with every fibre of my being, and I will not give up.
Right now, 17 years old, I am so full of everything. I am a bundle of hopes and dreams and joys and sorrows all poured into a cup until it is overflowing. I am so overwhelmed by how much I feel everything so passionately all at once. I try to put this feeling down in words, but I am lost. Does everyone feel this way? Is everyone as lost yet found like I am? The complexity of everything I feel is too much to explain. I can’t help but think that the people I connect with in my journey recognise this overwhelming awe at everything life offers. I have no time for people with no intellectual or emotional depth, those who can’t grasp any concept other than sitting around and gossiping about those they deem “different”. I want to surround myself with people whose soul’s and ideas and beings light the sky up like fire. I want people who I can talk to about their deepest fears and the universe and why they think we ended up here of all places. I want you, once you have finished reading this, to consider your place in the universe. Where are you heading? What is your purpose? We can all avoid making a decision, pretend like it isn’t inevitable but it is. The future is coming; whether you are prepared or not. Don’t wait until it is too late and get stuck in a rut. “Suddenly 10 years have got behind you, no one told you when to run- you missed the starting gun.”
So for now, I will enjoy this mess. I will revel in the overwhelming sensation of feeling everything all at once. This is life, and I am on fire with it all.